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These days I find myself constantly thinking about where life is heading. I find myself thinking about all the small and big choices I have made in life. And while doing that I sometimes find myself fussing over compartmentalizing my choices into the two square boxes of right and wrong. Some other times I find myself fussing over the choices yet to be made. It’s like getting lost in a world of blues, stumbling at every step while trying to figure out the right way; when in reality there actually is no right and wrong way. There are just different ways, each with its own set of perks and setbacks.
I don’t see life as black and white; I rather understand it to be just about all shades of grey. Then, why should I be worried about making the right choices all the time? I guess it’s just a phase. A phase where I am so occupied dwelling in all the possibilities of future that I find the present getting blurred in the background. Despite all the contemplation, the upcoming life just seems illusive. Each day ahead is one step closer to being thirty. And it’s freaking me out these days.
My motivation level sky-rockets one moment and hits rock-bottom the next. Sometimes, I feel I can deal with being 30 and single; Other times I feel afraid of being left alone. Sometimes, I feel I have a decent life and crave for no more; Other times I feel I haven’t done anything substantial in life and I am just nowhere. Sometimes, I just want a peaceful life; Other times I find myself delving into some far-fetched dreams. Sometimes, I make a decision to not settle when it comes to finding a partner; Other times I feel like making it work with any man who so ever comes my way, even if halfheartedly. Sometimes, I find myself lingering on to the slightest hope of finding love; Other times I find myself thrashing all my vain hopes and dictating myself to get on with reality. Sometimes, I find myself filled with a desire to travel and explore; Other times I feel like being grounded in my tiny little room for days together. Sometimes, I want my thoughts to be of a conformist’s; Other times I want to let them fly into rebellion. Sometimes, I feel I can handle anything and everything; Other times I lack the confidence to even stand up and face the mundane. Sometimes, I want to do something, anything, so vehemently; Other times I just care about having a good night’s sleep. Sometimes, I want to be the person I am not; Other times I want the other people to be the persons they are not.
But then, it’s just a phase. A phase where I am trying to deal with approaching thirty in a matter of two years. When I think about the past five or six years, time seems so fleeting. I was allowed to be naïve back then, but somehow time just slipped past and I am still naïve. Still clueless, trying to solve the jigsaw puzzle of my expectations from life.
Anyhow, It’s just a phase and like any other, it too shall pass!