confused blabber!

Have you ever felt the kind of feelings that make u travel through all the unknown jumbled territories to ultimately leave u in a kind of dead end? 

Have you ever felt the existence of a black hole in a corner of your mind? U can feel Some things which are dumped there and yet u can not  name them and as for them they cannot surface as they are lost in that mysterious corner of your mind.

And the next moment you feel ridiculous about what you just said above. U don’t exactly know what absolutely were u referring to while saying that. It might be utter nonsense or maybe you were referring to thousand different things at the same time.

Is it the lack of words and expression for the kind of thing u can probably feel but cannot give words to! I find it very hard to express certain things going on in my mind sometimes. I badly lack expression. I have had these feeling since I started to exist I think. And as I used to begin thinking of them my mind seized to work. These are probably some kind of questions that I am unable to frame perfectly. The questions about the existence of this entire human species and much much more or may be much lesser..

Like u know what is BEYOND..BEYOND the feelings, beyond the universe, beyond existence, y has existence to exist…why one has to feel emotions or even the indifference or even the complacence. What lies beyond, who ultimately is governing all this the entire world. Is it god?? Then what lies beyond god..if god created us who created god!! Who is governing his activities? Nature is god. How the hell it came into being. From how long? How long??? Beyond infinity..and what infinity is?? Again isn’t that too absurd a concept “the infinity” and yet it makes sense to us!!

How automatically we are programmed in such a manner that we end up feeling the same feelings that do have a name, y cannot we feel something that is beyond this whole definition of emotions given already by the seers. Y are the things that have been termed as good will be considered to be good, what being good is, what morality is!! Is it anything or is it just the biggest illusion of the decade!!

A lot is going on in my head but things are so jumbled that I cannot frame them into words. May be for everything keypoints are same. Just a may be word is knocking inside my head back and forth.

But I have this strange habit of landing up here in this place time and again wantingly or not, from where the only exit is stop thinking! I never knew initially that what are these things that I can feel yet not speak them out because I lack language while it comes to these things. These thoughts are so damn random , a fraction of it here and another fraction of it thousand miles away from it. I don’t even know whether these thoughts are just a mere illusion which actually don’t exist yet keep on haunting me by their presence. 

But may be I have got to make sense from the non sensical things and as I started reading "the outsider" I am getting to know that actually the words have been coined  already.

 I think I need to understand the theory of absurdity, nihilism,objectivism …just a few words words I have come across which somewhat but not absolutely can be used to define collectively these random thoughts. Even then I won’t be able to make perfect sense because I think I am referring to all the different things at the same time just unable to draw clear boundaries between them and making them all tangled together. I am just trying to figure out not sincerely though or may be I will loose my rationality. However I have got to find many more theories in order to find my answers for which questions I don’t yet perfectly know.

But who knows even if I want answers or not. Its just a curiosity of a moment and then everything is ok!

P.S : I don’t know whether you were able to make sense out of my words or not!! Actually its all so simple and yet so complicated!!  

talking to myself...

“ACCEPT THE REALITIES. SOMETIMES THINGS AND PEOPLE ARE LEFT BEHIND. AND ITS OK IF U HAVE FAILED IN KEEPING UP. THE FAULT CAN NEVER BE ONE SIDED DEAR. SO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR EVERYTHING.MOVE ON .FORGIVE YOURSELF!”……. “U NEED TO LOOK AROUND ! EVERYBODY HAS MOVED ABOUT AND HERE YOU ARE ,STANDING AT THE SAME PLACE AS BEFORE STUCK WITH ALL THE THOUGHTS OF GUILT. RESPECT YOUR OWN FEELINGS AS MUCH YOU RESPECT OTHER’S. DON’T TAKE THIS REALITY FOR GRANTED THAT YOU HAVE A HEART BECAUSE IT ALSO BEATS LIKE THE OTHER HEARTS AROUND. EVEN IF YOU TRY TO ENFORCE IT TO RULES ALL THE TIME…THE RULES OF BEING RIGHT!! HECK!!!! WHO HAS DEFINED RIGHT AND WRONG..

 you know darling trying to figure out right and wrong is the thing that leaves you most confused …SO JUST LET IT BE! LEAVE YOURSELF FREE EVEN IF IT SEEMS WRONG. SOMETIMES BEING WRONG IS OK FOR YOUR SAKE. ATLEAST YOU WON’T TORTURE YOURSELF THIS WAY. SOMETIMES LETTING GO IS THE BEST THING TO DO..HOWEVER I AM SURPRISED WHY SOMETIMES GETS REPLACED BY EVERYTIME IN YOUR CASE …BUT ITS OK…BE SOFT WITH URSELF…

CHERISH THE PAST MOMENTS AND START WITH A NEW FRESH BEGINNING BY ADAPTING TO THE NEW CHANGES……

eternal wait !!

i waited for you...

hoping for you to be real someday,

believing that destiny has this meeting in store for us,

i waited for you..

to let you in,

completely and deeply in,

to understand my impulsive instincts,

to accept me for my candidness,

i waited for you..

to accept my selfish mean and stupid talks,

and yet understand that i mean none of them,

to love me the same at my worst,

to read my mind better than me,

i waited for u..

to have faith in me,

to stand by my side whatever the case may be,

to be my pillar of strength when i was falling apart,

to be my armour  in the times of trouble,

i waited for u..

to treat me as a child,

to listen to all my cribbing and responding with just a little smile, 

to love me without judging me,

to measure my heart not my words,

i waited for u..

to be a gentle touch of air when i am not in the best of my moods,

to be the rain on a scorching sunny day,

to see through me as if seeing through a glass,

to see into my eyes and radiate positivity into my being,

i waited for u..

to cast a magical spell with your soothing words,

to be my hope when i was overshadowed with dark dispair,

to not move away if i told u to stop,

to come in close to embrace me into your arms forever,

i waited for u..

to love me as i was,

to hold on to me forever...

n here i am today..

with my last breaths on,

and yet the wait is not over,

may be it has always been about me,

may be i never gave it a thought to what u might have wanted from me,

but my faith is still undying,

may be i'll come here again,

to meet u someday,...

so i'll sleep in peace 

and still waiting for u....

:) jst like dat!!

stretch the arms,

breathe like u have never before,

inhale

the freshness,

the purity, 

the ecstasy,

the serenity,

withhold,

feel,

let it dissolve,

into every aspect of your being,

exhale

the staleness, 

the boundaries,

the fears,

the melancholy,

caress ur wings,

for precious they are,

flap them,

fly , fly higher,

feel the magic,

of each moment,

of the existence,

of the unseen,

love 

for the sake of loving,

nothing just

the elation,

the bliss,

live it,

love it,

get mesmerized,

by the beauty,

pleasantly enigmatic

it is!!!

Jst like dat !!

twinkling as stars
the thoughts,
burning as sun
the desires,
cold as moon
the aura,
soothing as breeze
the soft murmurs,
intermittent as fireflies
the clarity,
lightened like night
the darkness of ignorance,
peaceful as the distant sky
the state of being,
enigmatic as the cosmos
the feeling of bliss…

P.S : after i have written these lines  I am not able to make out the clear meaning of it. So watever u make out of it plz tel me. i would like to know your opinions.......