confused blabber!

Have you ever felt the kind of feelings that make u travel through all the unknown jumbled territories to ultimately leave u in a kind of dead end? 

Have you ever felt the existence of a black hole in a corner of your mind? U can feel Some things which are dumped there and yet u can not  name them and as for them they cannot surface as they are lost in that mysterious corner of your mind.

And the next moment you feel ridiculous about what you just said above. U don’t exactly know what absolutely were u referring to while saying that. It might be utter nonsense or maybe you were referring to thousand different things at the same time.

Is it the lack of words and expression for the kind of thing u can probably feel but cannot give words to! I find it very hard to express certain things going on in my mind sometimes. I badly lack expression. I have had these feeling since I started to exist I think. And as I used to begin thinking of them my mind seized to work. These are probably some kind of questions that I am unable to frame perfectly. The questions about the existence of this entire human species and much much more or may be much lesser..

Like u know what is BEYOND..BEYOND the feelings, beyond the universe, beyond existence, y has existence to exist…why one has to feel emotions or even the indifference or even the complacence. What lies beyond, who ultimately is governing all this the entire world. Is it god?? Then what lies beyond god..if god created us who created god!! Who is governing his activities? Nature is god. How the hell it came into being. From how long? How long??? Beyond infinity..and what infinity is?? Again isn’t that too absurd a concept “the infinity” and yet it makes sense to us!!

How automatically we are programmed in such a manner that we end up feeling the same feelings that do have a name, y cannot we feel something that is beyond this whole definition of emotions given already by the seers. Y are the things that have been termed as good will be considered to be good, what being good is, what morality is!! Is it anything or is it just the biggest illusion of the decade!!

A lot is going on in my head but things are so jumbled that I cannot frame them into words. May be for everything keypoints are same. Just a may be word is knocking inside my head back and forth.

But I have this strange habit of landing up here in this place time and again wantingly or not, from where the only exit is stop thinking! I never knew initially that what are these things that I can feel yet not speak them out because I lack language while it comes to these things. These thoughts are so damn random , a fraction of it here and another fraction of it thousand miles away from it. I don’t even know whether these thoughts are just a mere illusion which actually don’t exist yet keep on haunting me by their presence. 

But may be I have got to make sense from the non sensical things and as I started reading "the outsider" I am getting to know that actually the words have been coined  already.

 I think I need to understand the theory of absurdity, nihilism,objectivism …just a few words words I have come across which somewhat but not absolutely can be used to define collectively these random thoughts. Even then I won’t be able to make perfect sense because I think I am referring to all the different things at the same time just unable to draw clear boundaries between them and making them all tangled together. I am just trying to figure out not sincerely though or may be I will loose my rationality. However I have got to find many more theories in order to find my answers for which questions I don’t yet perfectly know.

But who knows even if I want answers or not. Its just a curiosity of a moment and then everything is ok!

P.S : I don’t know whether you were able to make sense out of my words or not!! Actually its all so simple and yet so complicated!!